Hello world!

Welcome to WordPress.com. This is your first post. Edit or delete it and start blogging!

WordPress hates the Dairi Burger?

Hi everyone, I’m having technical difficulties which is why there is a lack of posts. Apparently WordPress is not recognizing my Dairi Burger posting dashboard, so I am right now doing posting by email, which is not sufficient for my full posts. I’ve tried to contact them but in the meantime, please bookmark and keep checking back. I guess I’ll have to flirt with Randy Mason until he gives me help with computers.

Poor Little Rich Girl

Courtesy of The Closet

Oh Lila. Why do you have to be this way? We love your cool, snarky exterior but when you got your own Super Star, we thought we’d see the real Lila, one that was actually cool and smart and had it together. Unfortunately, it took for you to experience sexual assault until you had feelings and dealt with your problems and had emotions.

Mr. Fowler (who I imagine as John Hamm) has a new ladyfriend, Joan, who has a daughter Jacqueline. Fuck, I have to type that name every time. Lila suspects Joan is after her father’s money, because she never pays for anything and they always are staying at Fowler Crest (in the guest room of course!). Lila tries to tell her father but he won’t have it, he’s totally hot for Joan. Lila and her father have an odd relationship, but that’s the most obvious statement ever. Also, did you know that the Fowlers have a housekeeper named Eva? Who Lila has known since she was little? Not like we ever hear from her. And I hope Eva gets a good fucking salary, because you wouldn’t believe the crap she needs to do. Joan and Jacqueline are over for lunch, and Eva has to prepare lobster tails and shrimp cocktail, creme brulee and swan ice sculptures.

Meanwhile, Lila’s got problems of her own. She meets Evan Armstrong as a concert, and decides she’s in love. Evan is nuttin’ special. Kind of a cross between Todd and Ken Matthews, if you can imagine that snoozefest. Problem is, he’s dating some gal named Sonia. Lila enlists Bruce into luring Sonia away. And damn! The sexual tension between Lila and Bruce jumps out of the page. Bruce of course has Sonia dropping her panties at the first revving of 1BRUCE1, and Lila seduces Evan with her womanly wiles.

So, Lila’s scheming to get Evan is pretty much like Joan scheming to get George Fowler, amiryte? You’d think it was a parallel story, right? Let’s not give the ghost writers that much credit. Joan and George leave for the week and leave the gals at Fowler Crest. Jacqueline reveals herself to be a scheming shrew, and steals Lila’s car to go off and jaunt with Lila’s friends who love her.

Finally, Lila is able to reveal Joan’s true intentions by hiding microphones in her dressing room before the wedding, while she conveniently talks about her scheme to marry him and take his money. George apologizes profusely to Lila, and somehow is not too upset, and decides to make the wedding a party for Lila instead. Woopsies! No real adult reactions allowed in Sweet Valley. Meanwhiles, Lila finds out that Evan has been canoodling with Jacqueline, but dumps his ass before he can dump hers. So really, Lila didn’t really learn a lesson, she just got away with her bratty tactics. And the universe is aligned in the world of Sweet Valley.

You know what? I don’t even think Liz was in this book. So it had that going for it.

Project Youth: solving your teen's problems, one condescending phone call at a time

I don’t think I even need to describe the plot of this. If you’ve seen The Truth About Cats and Dogs, you are all set. Denise and Ginny are best friends who obviously don’t matter because this is the first time they are mentioned. Ginny is shy and mousy, Denise is popular and pretty. Denise is tired of Ginny being such a sack of pathetic shit, so she convinces her to volunteer at Project Youth, where local teens call in the get help with their problems, like which silk jumpsuit to where to Lila’s party. On her shift, Ginny talks to Mike, who is having problems with his new stepdad, and wants to run away from home. Ginny talks him out of it, and Mike is in love with her. He asks to meet in person, and since Ginny is a brunette and “mousy”, knows he will vomit when he sees her. So she convinces Denise to meet him instead and pretend to be her. Mike is really hot and Denise gets all hot for him, so she continues to date him. Mike is a moron and can’t tell that it’s not really Ginny. Denise brings Ginny along for a date, and she and Mike hit it off. Okay, some mixups and tears happen, and Mike figures out what happened and he and Ginny fall in love and suddenly all of Ginny’s self-esteem issues are solved, natch. Also, Mike is not really all that (see cover pic). Also, did you know that Denise Hadley sits with Lila and Jess and the crowd at lunch? Yea, me neither until now.

Meanwhile, Amy Sutton shares with the twins that a girl called the PY hotline complaining that she was being sexually harassed by a teacher. (This is at a school other than SVH. Let’s say it’s Big Mesa. They’ve got all sorts of fucked up stuff going on there, like making the kids go to eight periods a day). Liz gets all in a huff and decides she MUST write an expose on this. Yea, of course Mr. Collins is a bit uncomfortable, but probably thinks it’s some sort of hint from Liz, and goes on and supports it. Liz goes off and makes love to her typewriter, meanwhile Chrome Dome gets word of it and decides to forbif it because…well, he’s the fucking principal and it’s a dinky student newspaper. Liz gets all huffy and claimes that the way the admin is shutting her down is akin to how some girls are shit down by being sexually harassed. Surprisingly, Bruce Patman and Rick Andover were not contacted for a counter-point editorial. Liz decides to print it anyway, on separate paper that she hads out. Ah, the world before blogs. Obvs, the article is so amazing and she is so strong in her convinctions that Chrome Dome backs down and apologizes to Liz profusely.

Let’s get back to Project Youth. What the fuck? Are they really that busy that they have like 5 volunteers at a time manning the phones? Also, they let Amy Sutton answer the phone. That should tell you something. It is also revealed that the Morrows gave a generous donation to Project Youth in memory of Regina. Because “If a teen line had existed sooner, Regina would have had someplace to turn when she was in trouble.” Uhhuh. Also, didn’t the Morrows contribute to the new darkroom? What’s next? A new hamburger at the DB named for Regina?

Some quotes too good to ignore:

Lila being awesome:

“It’s not nothing” Penny cut in. “I’m taking this very seriously.” “So am I,” Elizabeth said. “OK, now we’re all curious,” Enid said with a smile. “What are you two getting so worked up about?” Lila yawned. “Probably something like whether or not to change the typeface in the newspaper.”

Make sure you haven’t eaten anything for the last four hours before reading this.

Todd leaned against the wall and folded his arms. “Sometimes I get the sneaking suspicion that you care more bout your word processor than you do about me.” “Don’t  say that!” Elizabeth smiled. “My word processor doesn’t kisss the way you do.” “Yeah, but it’s better at spelling,” Todd murmured,pulling her close for a kiss.

An Open Letter to Diablo Cody

Hey Diablo! I hear you read this blog on occasion, so I thought I’d give this a try. A few days ago I posted my first reactions to the news that you are going to adapt Sweet Valley High into a movie.  I have to say I was premature in my judgement. I’m waving the white flag here (or a purple one, if The Unicorns designed it) As far as calling yo0u overrated, that was perhaps kind of hasty as well. I found Juno enjoyable, but I believe what made me kind of annoyed by it was all the hoopla around it- people were quoting it constantly who shouldn’t be quoting it, and it kind of became like Napoleon Dynamite, which is a good movie, but now seems kind of annoying because people quote it too much, you know? I haven’t seen Jennifer’s Body yet, and I do plan to- despite if I enjoy the movie or not, the whole concept is completely awesome.

And then my brain fart- I had totally forgot about United States of Tara, which is fantastic. How could I forget that? And then, reading your twitter posts, you get it. You are one of us! Not someone who will take our beloved book series and make it into some Hollywood rom com or typical teen comedy! You won me over when you told Bruce Patman: “Bruce, you’d better stop lightly touching breasts.” and then you told Liz: “You’ll need to suffer personality-changing skull trauma if you really want to be popular. Now get on that motorcycle.”

Many of us are still holding onto the dream that Sweet Valley Heights will still be published. [Damn you Francine!] I’ve already given up on that, but now I have the new hope that I will see Sweet Valley High on the screen as it should be! From someone who read all the books! From a quick imdb.com check, we are exactly the same age, so I’d imagine we first read the books around the same age, and possible had the same reactions.

I also want to give my support to a woman working in the film industry who doesn’t just write rom com vehicles for Katherine Heigl. Or whose female characters sole purpose is to have a happy ending with a guy. On a shallow note, who also wore leopard print to the Academy Awards, which was so Very.

I know as the writer you don’t have complete control over every aspect of the film, but I am sure the community here has some suggestions for you. I wrote up mine but I can’t publish it here because I’ve already published it at film.com so please check it out over there.

I know that other folks in this community are extremely excited and invested in the idea, and have suggestions as well, and I am sure will leave them in the comments.

Love,

Robin (aka ihatewheat)

Harder Better Faster Stronger

Let’s not beat around the bush on this one. Tony Esteban is a fucking idiot. And rarely ever heard from again. And possibly a token non white person, although it was kind of ambiguous.

Tony is the star athlete of the track team (wasn’t that Roger? Never mind.) And his father has high hopes and lives vicariously through Ton because Papa Estaban had a promising football career but then his wife got sick so he had to give it up. Seriously, what a fucking wench. Isn’t that the plot of every book having to do with an athlete?

Tony hurts his knee during a big match and is paranoid that he won’t do well for an upcoming meet where an Olympic coach is looking for recruits. Tony works out at the local gym and hangs out with a gym rat named Lou who gives him “magic vitamins” to make him do better. The fact that Lou likes to hang around with teenage boys at the gym is the first of many red flags.

Tony is dating Annie Whitman. Apparently he doesn’t mind that she’s a dirty whore and dated over two guys in her life. Annjie gets concerned about these “magic vitamins”. Tony is in denial that they are steroids. And seriously, the amount of times “magic vitamins” is printed in this book makes me want to scream. So, Annie has a cousin who is some biology lab mad scientist creates fake placebo pills that she replaces the “magic vitamins’ with to prove to Tony that they are just having a placebo affect. And the writers just shot themselves in the foot with that one because earlier in the book they mentioned that Tony was becoming all aggressive and irritated without him knowing why, so how is that placebo affect?

Meanwhile, Roger has a family friend, a kid named Mitch who is sent to stay with the Patmans because he was misbehaving at home and was caught drinking (and apparently, the Patman estate is liquor free and reeks of high morals). He ends up idolizing Tony and it makes Tony realize that he can’t take steroids because he’s a role model! Or something. And yea, he does the right thing and turns himself into the coach and all this shit and everyone forgives him and Liz takes credit for turning his life around. And Tony’s Dad suddenly is all good and tells Tony that sometimes parents learn lessons from their children and of course isn’t mad. And Annie and Tony smooch and make up.

and OH MY GOD the subplot. Todd is getting annoyed because he and Liz never get any time to themselves so they can spend time not having sex, because they are SO POPULAR that they can never get away from their friends. Life is hard. SO unbeknownst to each other, they both hatch the same plan to kidnap each other to go to a fancy inn for dinner. And Todd has Winston grab Liz, blindfold hwer and force her into his car. Yea, great fucking idea Todd, especially since LIZ WAS ACTUALLY ONCE KIDNAPPED. Way to be sensitive about it. However, Liz doesn’t even seem to make the connection or mention the other kidnapping thus proving that these suck so bad that even the ghostwriters don’t read the ones they don’t write. Surely that came up in an editorial meeting, but someone gave the go ahead because they were too lazy to think of something else.

Awesome or awful

Thanks you guys for giving the heads up about Diablo Cody obtaining the rights to Sweet Valley High. I was going to get my panties all in a twist because Diablo Cody is severely overrated, but:

• obtaining the rights to something doesn’t mean shit. The rights to Watchmen were obtained 15 years ago. The new Superman movie was in development for ten. There was even some talk about there being a Broadway show based on SVH, but that never happened. I’ll believe it when I see it.
• How would any studio even pick this up? We already have Mean Girls, Gossip Girl, and all that other stuff. Another story about privileged teens doesn’t seem like it would sell. Hey, unless you add some vampires to it!
• The one way this could be totally awesome is if it was filmed in insane camp style like The Brady Bunch movies which totally makes fun of the original source. But I don’t see that happening.
• You already know my casting advice. Malin Ackerman as the twins, Sasha Grey as Lila, Chris Carmack as Bruce.

Stop it you guys, it's not funny anymore.

Every time I read a “Reader of the Month” entry, a little part of my soul dies.

Hi, my name is Jayme _____.

I’m going to save her some dignity and not print her last name on here. I did google her and lucky for us, she turned out okay. She’s an employee benefits consultant, and has three kids. And volunteers at her church’s winter carnival and founded an association for state ambassadors. Hrrrm, sounds a bit Liz Wakefield-ish, no?

I am thirteen years old and entering eighth grade. My favorite subject is English and my least favorite is math.

Math is hard, you guys!

There are several reasons why I love all the Sweet Valley books. One is that they are pretty realistic.

Sigh. [Head in hands.]

I have never been to California before, but from the specific details in the Sweet Valley books, Sweet Valley sounds just like a real place and what I’ve dreamed it to be.

Make up your mind. Is it real or did you dream it?

The  Wakefields sound like a fun-loving family that anyone would want to be a part of. I feel like I know what the town of Sweet Valley and the Wakefield’s house, inside and out, look like.

So do I, Jayme, so do I.  The Spanish tiles are burned into my mind.

So, in conclusion, to all of the writers and contributors of Sweet Valley books, give yourselves a pat on the back for a job well done.

Well, at least she realizes that there are ghost writers. Who would love nothing more than a condescending congrats from a thirteen year old reader. Wait, I thought there were several reasons she loved the books. What are the other ones, Jayme, WHAT ARE THE OTHER ONES?

In other news, check out my tumblog.

Nobody Likes Betsy Hanes, if she really did write this.

And at least I’ve reached the last of the Taffy Sinclair series. Mind you, this one overlaps with the Fabulous Five series. And let’s just assume that at this point, Bets just handed over a pen to a lowly editorial intern to write this one. I refuse to live in a world where Betsy Haynes produces this garbage. It’s like…a Sweet Valley High book.

To refresh your memory, Taffy just got back from Hollywood where she was filming a tv movie. She’s back in good ol’ Bridgeport, CT but it’s just so hard to adjust! I mean, she’s been to Hollywood! And no one understands what it’s like! She’s really not making it easy to adjust when she joins the video club at school and scoffs at everyone when they don’t know what “blocking” means. And no one believes that she’s friends with Raven Blaine!

Rumor has it that No One Likes Tiffany Stafford is going to be picked up as a tv series. Meanwhile, Taffy tries to adjust to life with her bff, Shawnie Pendergast, who made a new friend whiles she was away. The gal sings in a band, and Taffy plots to take over so she will be in the band. But, meanwhile, her movie is picked up for a tv series, and she has to leave to go back to Hollywood anyway. Ok…the point?

I don’t have anything clever for this one. Except that maybe it was a reject in the Taffy fanfiction contest.

Fuck it you guys, I'm just going to wear pink leggings and heels: Episode 2, "The Big Dance"

Episode 2 and there’s already a dance! What is this, Sweet Valley? Voula is still mad at Steph for prostituting herself for the grade eight presidency, although now she’s getting really snotty about it. In other news, Mr. Voula still won’t let Voula talk to boys or wear non-dresses. Hello Richard Spier! Oh, also we get to meet a new character Lucy. And Lucy likes to dress like this:

It’s like something Stevie Nicks and Steven Tyler had a secret baby that they dumped in the dumpster of a Goodwill store. Really Lucy? Two bandanas? And a batwing logo sweatshirt? I don’t like to rag on people’s personal appearances other than their clothes, but let’s just say…Lucy is unfortunate looking. And I remember my junior high bff going on about how pretty Lucy is. We are no longer friends. That may be why.

We also get to meet Heather and Erica, the frizzy brown haired twins, who are no Elizabeth and Jessica. At least until a few years later until one gets preggers. But I’m getting ahead of myself. These gals speak in unison and generally need dental work and hot oil treatmen, a theme among students at this school. And both of them look about 32. Voula, being the goody goody she is, is sponsoring a foster child and want to present the funds to the organization. Usually the class prez does it, but Steph is just a girl! She can’t do it! Everyone kisses Voula’s ass until she agrees to do it. Only problem is? her dad won’t let her go to the dance.

Also, Steph, stop trying to make pearl bolo ties happen.

Also, Voula, stop trying to make lipstick happen. It’s awkward.

Steph and the twins gather at Lucy’s house to pre-game for the dance. Her parents aren’t home. That’s cool, because that means Lucy can do what she wants. The twins notice the abundance of liquor and brag that they got drunk at their cousin’s wedding. They ask if they can have some and then obnoxiously yell “paaaart-aaay!!” and dig in. Steph comes down just in time from slutting herself up.

I tried to get a screenshot that accurately captured the awesomeness of Steph’s Golden Girl chic. Those are pink leggings. With kitten heels. and two belts intertwined and a silver button down. Claudia Kishi is freeeeaaaking out you guys. Steph also joins in the drinking, and they act just like freshmen at their first frat party.

Voula tricks her dad into letting her go to the dance, saying it’s a meeting about the foster children. She shows up at the dance and it is still light out. Looosers! Meanwhile, Steph and the gang role in drunk. Steph grinds on Wheels until Mr. Raditch, the deejay for the night, tells them to do the “crazy dance”! Steph stops and realizes she needs to ralph. She rushes into the bathroom, her kitten heels slowing her down. Also, Mr. Raditch = Mr. Collins.

Mr. Voula shows up to drag Voula home. Damn her for helping those foster children! But not before Voula can give a disapproving sneer to drunk Steph. The girls check on Steph, and we get a glorious full view of their outfits:

Lucy is dressed as the Flinstones, and Heather (Erica?) is looking to marry into an FLDS clan.

Lucy takes Stephanie home, who laments on how she treated Wheels, who asked her to the dance. She surmises that she will talk to him later “if he’ll talk to her”.  Wear another tube top and I’m sure he will.